


How Did You Croak, Kieren Walker?

by ouzell



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Rewrite, Canonical Character Death, Guns, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Partially Deceased Syndrome, Suicide, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-27 00:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20751461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ouzell/pseuds/ouzell
Summary: Rick and Kieren's conversation about what happened after Rick left. (The first of many emotional re-writes of scenes from the show.)





	How Did You Croak, Kieren Walker?

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing canon is changed in these, only inner monologues. MIGHT eventually put them all in order, but that's a lot of work, so we'll see.

It was the first time seeing each other again since... well, since their last night in The Den. The dark and dingy back room of The Legion, and yet everything seemed to fall away at the sight of him. He was back too, Rick Macy, and looked just about as flabbergasted as Kieren felt.

"What are ya' doin' here?"

They easily fell back into joyful chatter soon after Rick pardoned he and Amy with his strange _magic._ It was so odd how everyone bowed to his father's will, even going so far as to ignore Rick's death. His reincarnation. Even going so far as to allow a couple of "dead 'uns" sit at a table like anyone else, when moments before they'd been ordering them to a segregated area. Amy wasn't particularly happy, Kieren could tell, but she was trying her best to be a good sport. Gary didn't make that particularly easy for either of them, either.

But then, Dean burst in. 'Rabids' sighted, he said. 'Rabid rotters,' in the woods. Immediately, Bill turned to his son and expected him to join. Only... his son decided to drag Kieren along, too- on the hunt. A hunt for _people,_ that's what it was. Only, Rick wouldn't admit that, would he? 

* * *

The confrontation came after the others left the car. With an excuse about loading their guns, Rick stole them a moment alone. Away from the keen, judgmental ears of the HVF, the two had years of pain to catch up on- explanations to supply.

"What happened?" Rick spoke quietly, as if he were trying not to yell. Here it was. He must've heard. Someone must have told him what happened. Kieren looked at him, but he turned away. "...Why?"  
Finally, he met his gaze, but the hurt in it forced Kieren to look away.  
Rick took another breath, hand holding his gun for some kind of support, and sighed heavily. "Why are you the way you are?" The way he was... as if it were a choice. As if Rick weren't the very same. 

He worked his jaw and kept his gaze trained on the trees outside for a moment. The weight of his pain... his _grief_... it was debilitating. And now... now he had to relay it all to the one person he couldn't stand to see hurt. The one person he's cared most for in his life. But that was also why he couldn't stay silent- why he couldn't _lie._ This was Rick. And Rick... he deserved the truth.  
"When you died," Kieren felt as if his words might crumble to nothing before he could even speak them, but continued nevertheless. They came out almost in gasps, as if he were struggling for air under the magnitude of his hurt, "everything turned to shit."

Rick glanced down. They still hadn't managed to properly look at each other. Kieren didn't think either of them could bring themselves to. Together they sat, gazing off into the forest- the forest they used to explore together- in order to avoid each other. It felt cold- but not cold in the way that makes your nose red and your hands numb. No, cold in the way that makes your throat thick and your heart drop. Cold in the way that things weren't okay, and they never would be.

Rick, holding himself together by a mere thread, chewed his cheek before responding. The expression on his face was agony. "So 'yeh..." he almost faltered. "You offed yourself?" He glanced around outside, looking for some kind of answer.

All Kieren could do was sit like a stone and listen. The only thing keeping him from practically crying out in pain was the working of his jaw, anchoring him in reality this time.

"You shouldn't'a done that Ren." His breath was ragged with... with anger. Anger at Kieren, he knew that, but also at himself- his father. The world.  
There was a pregnant pause, and then he let go.  
With a ragged gasp of emotion, Rick pounded his hands on the dash, shaking the car with the impact as he did so.

As Rick thrashed in his torment, Kieren bowed his head.

When he stopped, he kept his hands on the dash and his head hung low. "How could you do that?" His voice, though it very nearly wavered, was rising. Now he turned to Kieren- now he turned to Kieren, breathless, and faced him. "Had the whole world at your feet!" Despair clung to every word.

This sparked a reaction from him. "Did I?" He looked up as he spoke, almost in consternation. Did he really believe that? He nodded wryly and glanced away.

"You got into art school! Full scholarship, you were out of here mate! Flyin' high!"

He didn't understand, did he?? No, of course he didn't. Kieren shook his head. "Didn't have much without you." His words trembled again.

"You can't put this on me."

He looked at Rick dead-on this time. "Can't I?"  
The effort it took to keep his lips from trembling was immense. He was finally confronting not only his death and Rick, but himself as well. Never had he spoken about it so openly with anyone, as they all preferred to keep his death quiet- preferred to pretend it weren't even there. But out here... there was nowhere to run out here.

"We'd already said goodbye."

Kieren almost scoffed at that. Now he too, was getting louder- growing more confident in his indescribable injustice and sorrow and loneliness. "That wasn't a _goodbye._"

"It was!"

He stuttered in disbelief. "Wh... We drank a bottle of White Lightning, smoked a few fags, messed around, and, then you said, 'All right, see you tomorrow.'" Rick looked away, his face twisted and quiet. "Next thing I know, you've gone to Preston for basic training! I didn't hear nothing from you after that, nothing!"  
All of the abandonment, the worthlessness, the shame- it all came flooding back with his memories.

"I... I wanted to make it easier on 'yeh..."

Kieren gave a bitter smile and shook his head at that excuse. "Easier on yourself, you mean." It felt as if he'd been holding a big breath, and now he was letting it out, little by little. "I wrote thousands of letters, why didn't you reply to me?" A question he'd longed for the answer to for years now.

"Didn't get any letters."

Now this... this was too much. Kieren didn't even say anything, just let out a derisive breath, smiled in chagrin, and looked away.

"I didn't!" Rick seemed to insist with all the emotion he possessed. "I thought you'd just forgotten about me."

Brow furrowed, Kieren burst out, "How could I forget about you?"

The other replied, rather feebly, "Well, you were goin' away. New place. New people."

That was when it sunk in. He looked to Rick with accusation in his eyes. "No, that's what _you_ did! Not me." To doubt him like that... to use that as his reasoning... how could he? "_I kept us goin'!_" Rick wouldn't look at him again, but he didn't care. He just continued, daring him to look back and _face_ him. "In my head I... I kept us _alive._"

Then, like a bolt of lightning through the night, Bill Macy's static-y voice interrupted over the radio. "What the hell are you playin' at? Where are 'yeh?"

The spell was broken, and they both looked away.

Rick responded over the radio. "Ren's havin' trouble with the torch." They couldn't even have a private conversation without him needing to bury it in front of his father. Kieren bit his cheek hard to keep from breaking.

"Yeah. Well get a move on sharpish, right?"

And just like that, Rick was back to doing just as his father told him to, grabbing his gun on the way out. "Better get to it."

But Kieren couldn't just leave it. It felt as if this were the last time he could ever speak to Rick like this again. It felt like this were the last time he'd ever get to see the real _Rick_ again. Still in the car, he tried to reach him. "You don't have to do everything he tells you, you know. Not anymore."

This made Rick pause, looking into the backseat, those awful stitches handing on his face like paint strokes in a Picasso. "He's my dad, Ren."

The car door shut, and he was gone.


End file.
